


i'm fine

by cupidstrawberry



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 02:08:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17778563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidstrawberry/pseuds/cupidstrawberry
Summary: Sehun's fine with it, really, he's fine like this.





	i'm fine

The first person Sehun ever dated was someone who was just a year older than him. Sehun was in his first year of high school and barely turned 16 the previous month, the other person was 17 and a year his senior. He was from China but and he transferred during the second semester. His name was Huang Zitao and he was quite possibly the most handsome boy Sehun had ever seen.

He had approached Sehun at random during study hall, asking him, in accented but fluent Korean, where the library was because it turns out that the school had one that no one mentioned to him. Sehun had gladly shown him to the empty and quiet library, no one's asked anything of Sehun before, he was admittedly a rather quiet student who kept to himself most of the time. At the library, he stayed as Zitao's makeshift translator when searching for books and they hit it off pretty well after that. The two of them quickly found out that they shared a lot in common; they both enjoyed the same foods and had the same type humor, liked the same types of non-fiction books and fashion trends, so much so that they got distracted in the library even though they were supposed to be studying. Teenage Sehun felt like he was on top of the world until his boyfriend suddenly broke up with him, claiming that Sehun just wasn't romantic enough. It had only been a month and a half but for the 16-year-old high school student, it felt like they had been together for years.

Sehun remembers hiding under his blankets at home the day of the breakup. He researched and researched online about what being romantic was and apparently flowers, chocolates, love notes, and kisses were romantic. He never kissed Zitao. He didn't do any of those things with Tao.

After the breakup Sehun didn't want to date anymore, his heart was broken and he felt too fragile and vulnerable to just give his trust and his heart to someone again. He thought he was romantic all those times he asked Zitao to come over and play video games or when he shared his bubble tea with the other. He thought it was romantic those times he reached out to grab Zitao's hand or when he stood on the tips of his toes to peck Zitao on the cheek. But then he remembers all those times when Zitao would ask Sehun to buy him things, sometimes Sehun didn't mind. Other times, Sehun just didn't have the money, he was only 16 and still relied on his parents to give him money in exchange for doing chores around the house. Sehun tried his hardest to please Tao but his demands would often be too much for Sehun.

Sometimes he still regrets not buying Zitao that shiny gold watch he said he really wanted or that fancy designer backpack that was made all the way in Italy. He was only 16 at the time what else could Sehun do, what else was he supposed to do, what could Zitao have possibly expected from him?

(•ө•)

During the tail end of his freshman year, nearing his second year, Sehun had grown a few inches taller and that's when he began to notice things about his body that made him feel weird about the way he looked. He thought he was too skinny, that his limbs were too long, that he should cut his hair. He thought that he looked weird, that no one would like him because his eyes made him look bored all the time because his clothes didn't fit right since his growth spurt, because if even Sehun didn't like how he looked why would someone else would?

His second boyfriend was a boy who was even taller than Zitao, he wore glasses and always carried a giant guitar case on his back. The tall boy confessed to Sehun by handing him a folded up piece of notebook paper that read: Do you Like me? Circle yes or no and Sehun had a hard time believing that someone two years his senior gave him this in complete seriousness. He had a hard time believing someone even liked him. However, Sehun soon came to realize that Park Chanyeol was a fun and loving boyfriend. Sehun tried to give him gifts, things that he knew Chanyeol would like; guitar picks and strings, comic books and figurines. Sehun spent all his allowance on Chanyeol any chance he got, he wanted to show that he was romantic. He didn't want to make the same mistake he did with Zitao.

They had a lot of good times together, Chanyeol wasn't afraid to tell people that he was dating the younger, he waited for Sehun after his study hall and would walk him home. Chanyeol would let Sehun watch him practice guitar, he even wrote and dedicated an entire song to Sehun on their one month anniversary. He told Sehun, a lot of times, how beautiful and perfect the younger was, Sehun was in love. Chanyeol, in Sehun's mind, could do no wrong, they even lasted two whole months longer than the one month he was with Zitao. But Chanyeol broke up with him too. He said Sehun wasn't affectionate enough, that Sehun had tried to win over Chanyeol with gifts instead of with his feelings.

Sehun didn't know gifts were seen that way, he was just trying to be romantic but maybe being affectionate was more important. He didn't know (mostly because Google couldn't give him a definite answer on which one was).

(•ө•)

When he was close to beginning his third year, he made a vow to himself to stay away from dating after being dumped by Chanyeol. That didn't last too long though.

When he turned 17, a short, loud-mouthed 19-year-old boy named Byun Baekhyun, who liked to touch, asked him out. He touched Sehun a lot before he even decided to ask the younger out. During the lunch period, he would slide up against Sehun, their knees touching under the table, in the hallway he would stand behind Sehun as the younger grabbed his books from out his locker, he even managed to somehow find Sehun after school and walk too close next to him, their shoulders bumping together. He was just always there and always very close, most of the time too close for comfort. Seemingly ignorant of the fact that Sehun hated it, he hated it so much.

Baekhyun touched Sehun a lot in general and Sehun did not like it but he now knew that a part of being affectionate meant allowing his partner to touch him. So despite his better judgment, he would allow Baekhyun's touch to linger on him before caving and telling the older that he didn't like it. Sehun thought he could power through it, ignore the feeling of Baekhyun's pretty hands on his arms and legs, just like Baekhyun ignored him. In the end, he couldn't because eventually Baekhyun's light touches slowly turned into heavy-handed grabs. And after just a month of them being together, Baekhyun got bold, he stopped asking, stopped hesitating, he stopped listening even though Sehun made it was clear that he was uncomfortable.

It went downhill the moment Baekhyun tried to touch him there, that's when Sehun had backed out, he wasn't ready and he was scared. He didn't know what to do but Baekhyun did and that just scared him, scared of what Baekhyun had done before him because Baekhyun talked about it a lot every single time Sehun avoided his touches. ("Well, my last partner liked that." He would say with an annoyed look on his face when Sehun told him he didn't like to be touched in a certain place.) After a while it made him terrified of what Baekhyun would do to him. When Sehun shoved away Baekhyun's hand that had been sliding up his inner thigh, the older scoffed and asked why Sehun was so afraid of intimacy. He said being intimate was a part of being in a relationship. Sehun didn't doubt that but he also just didn't like how Baekhyun didn't listen to him, didn't seem to care that Sehun was nervous and uncomfortable but most of all, he didn't seem to care how scared Sehun was. He just wanted to touch and touch and _touch_ and Sehun grew to hate that. He hated the feeling of someone else's hands on him, he hated the idea of allowing someone—even if it was his boyfriend— to touch him, he hated that that's what being intimate meaning.

It was the first relationship Sehun ended himself.

(•ө•)

Sehun lost his virginity to a boy named Kim Jongdae during his first year of college. He was 18 and Jongdae was 21 years old. Jongdae approached Sehun during an orientation party happening in his dorm building. Sehun had noticed the older hovering around him the entire time but Jongdae didn't say anything to him until the first year was alone by the food station. Jongdae was nice but he was also pushy and he knew what he wanted. When he talked, he complimented Sehun a lot but sometimes it was borderline inappropriate for them only having known one another for no more than thirty minutes. ( "You're the prettiest one here.", "You look a lot older than 18.", "You have a pretty mouth, you know that, right?" ). And though at times he felt he was maybe being too presumptive about Jongdae, Sehun knew in his heart that he absolutely did not like the way Jongdae spoke to him, did not like how Jongdae acted towards him, he did not like him at all.

After the party, for the next few days, Jongdae would approach Sehun, whether it be in the dorm hallway, the buildings front entrance or dining hall asking him to do that and Sehun would firmly reject the advances every time. His time with Baekhyun made him almost repulsed by the idea of someone touching him. The older had said this was college and everyone did it, he said that Sehun didn't have to feel embarrassed, he told Sehun; "It's alright to get a little… intimate with others." he distinctly remembers Jongdae telling him that while he followed Sehun to his dorm room. At the word intimate, he remembered Baekhyun and he let Jongdae touch him after knowing the other for no more than a week. Sehun tried to see it as a learning experience, he didn't know anything about being intimate and maybe being with Jongdae could help him with that.

It hurt, Jongdae briefly mentioned that it would hurt but it hurt a lot more than that, it was worse than he expected it to be. Sehun remembers exactly how hard he had cried, how sore his throat was from screaming for Jongdae to stop and sometimes he can still feel rough hands on the back of his head smashing his face into the mattress. He can still feel Jongdae's blunt fingernails digging into his hips, can still hear Jongdae's grunts and how he said how good it felt fucking into Sehun, saying how it was almost too easy to get Sehun into bed. It did feel a bit nice to have a hand that wasn’t his own wrapped around his dick but that was the only part Sehun thinks he could actually say that he enjoyed, even though it wasn't much.

Jongdae wasn't his boyfriend, he realized after he woke up alone in his dorm bed feeling sticky and gross from the night before. Jongdae never wanted to be his boyfriend, had no intentions of being with Sehun at all. He just wanted a quick fuck and Sehun had unknowingly given it to him.

(•ө•)

Sehun just doesn't know what he's doing wrong, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do in a relationship because so far everything he's been told is either wrong or isn't working for him and he hates it because he wants a boyfriend, he wants someone to want him, to love him.

After Jongdae he stops dating for a long, long while mostly because he's afraid of people touching him, he was already that way because of Baekhyun but Jongdae made him even more apprehensive around others. He tries to hide it by pretending that he's painfully shy and extremely introverted, laughing off the way he flinches when people just barely graze his arm, joking when he jerks away when someone tries to grab him, pretending he's not bothered when someone places a hand on his thigh and for three years its been working like a charm.

When Sehun is twenty-one he meets twenty-five-year-old Kim Junmyeon. It's strange because Junmyeon already completed college and has a job while Sehun is just barely able to drink and is in his final year of college. They met because for a while Sehun had a part-time job at a convenience store, he worked nights and Junmyeon would usually come in close to midnight to buy instant ramen and an energy drink. Even though Sehun found it a bit strange that a grown man had taken interest in him he was still flattered. It was really nice because Junmyeon had just been so kind to him, he wasn't pushy like Baekhyun or crude like Jongdae. Junmyeon treated Sehun really well, he told Sehun how mature he was, how he couldn't believe Sehun was so young.

Two weeks into them dating Junmyeon makes Sehun quit his job and move in with him.

Their dates were expensive and fancy and Sehun told Junmyeon that it was too much for someone like him. Junmyeon just grabbed his hand from across the table and told Sehun that he was worth it. He felt loved, Sehun finally felt loved after all these years, after all, that he went through he finally found someone who wanted him.

It's actually really hard to make them work, at least Sehun thinks so but Junmyeon was so genuine with his confession, so gentle with his words and just overall nice that Sehun opened up, took down his walls and tried to do his best to keep being with him.

He tried to be romantic and buy Junmyeon his favorite kind of flowers and buy him books from his favorite authors. He was affectionate and always held Junmyeon’s hand, interlocking their fingers and rubbing his thumb over the back of the older man's hand, burying his face in the other's neck and hugging him when he came back from work. He let Junmyeon kiss him hot and heavy on the mouth, he let the older touch his body and he even managed to touch Junmyeon back a few times too. Sehun thought he had finally got it down, he and Junmyeon were at the six-month mark, the longest Sehun's ever been in a relationship when they got into an argument.

Junmyeon accused Sehun of not loving him.

"How can you say that?" Sehun's voice cracked.

"You always have this look on your face like you don't care, you never do anything for me!" How can you say that?, Sehun wants to say. He does so much, he's attentive and always listens when Junmyeon comes in from work upset ranting about his job. He learned how to cook and made Junmyeon dinner when he knew the other would get home late. He bought him things and most of all, he let Junmyeon touch him.

"That's not true." He says instead of being redundant. "Of course I do, I spend time with you and buy you stuff and cuddle and—"

"That means nothing if you've never told me you loved me. I love you." Sehun's amazed at how easy Junmyeon can say those words because Sehun's never been able to say it, he doesn't think he's ever even heard it from anyone besides his parents. He doesn't know why either because he used to be able to say it but not anymore, its like he doesn't know the words anymore.

"I...I—I love..."

"Why are you hesitating?" Junmyeon cuts him off.

Because it's hard, Sehun wants to say.

"How is it hard? You either love me or you don't." Ah, apparently Sehun did actually say it.

"I— not that it's hard but its just… I don't know." Sehun says, defeated and Junmyeon is furious.

"I knew I shouldn't have taken the chance on you! You're just a fucking kid, you don't know anything about love. I put my heart into this relationship and you can't even give me half of that back!" But you knew that Sehun wants to say. He knew Sehun was younger and still in college. They had literally met at Sehun's old job at the convenience store.

"I'm sorry," Sehun is close to tears but he's holding them back. "I'm sorry Junmyeon." He knows Junmyeon put his heart into this relationship, he was trying to too but its just so, so hard. It's so hard because when Junmyeon pulls their interlocked fingers apart, he remembers how Zitao did the same thing, it's hard because when Junmyeon doesn't hide his upset expression when Sehun gets the wrong book it reminds him of how Chanyeol looked so angry at him for buying him new guitar strings. It's so hard because when Junmyeon even just places a hand on him he has flashbacks of Baekhyun's upset face when he asked the other to not touch him. It's so fucking hard because when they're in bed together all he can remember is the way Jongdae didn't care that Sehun was begging the older to stop, stop, _"Please just stop!"_

It's hard because he did what they said and it still never worked.

Junmyeon tells him to get out.

Sehun tries to pretend he's okay, that his boyfriend—now ex–boyfriend— didn't just break up with him. He tries to just live his life, maybe he'll get a bubble tea, he likes that, that always lifts his mood. He makes it about halfway there until he's at a park and he stops to sit on a bench. He swallows, hard, before he starts getting choked up. His vision is blurry and it's hot and everything burns and god, why does he always mess everything up? Why is he like this? Why is he so messed up and incapable of being in a relationship? It's not hard to love someone, he remembers being head over heels for Zitao. He remembers feeling like his heart wouldn't stop beating when he was with Chanyeol and even Baekhyun was nice when he wasn't trying to get into Sehun's pants.

Sehun bites his lip trying not to sob, he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand just trying to keep his head clear and his body calm. The sky is blue and the sun is shining bright, it is a nice day today.

"Is anyone sitting here?" The voice startles Sehun and he sits up properly on the bench and shakes his head.

"No, go right ahead." Sehun applauds himself for not sounding as sad as he feels, maybe he's feeling better already. A body drops down next to him on the bench. Sehun looks at the person, its a male, possibly close in age to Sehun, holding three leashes with three fluffy panting dogs at his feet. The other male is cute, he has a nice face but Sehun doesn't let himself dwell on it too long. His heart still hurts from Junmyeon, it's the pain from his first breakup all over again.

He spaces out for a while longer, he can go back to his dorm at any time it's not like anyone is waiting for him there anyway. He forgot just how much time he spent at Junmyeon's apartment when his parents were still paying for him to stay in a dorm on campus, oh well, it's his last year, might as well get used to being alone while he's still got the luxury of having a single dorm.

"Stop, stop that, stay still. Sit." Sehun hears the other say and his voice is rich and smooth, stern but soft at the dogs. He just continues to look at the sky though, almost unknowingly looking into the sun until he feels something on him, specifically his legs. It's one of the dogs on its hind legs pushing its paws against Sehun's thighs. Beside him, the owner freaks out telling the dog to stop but Sehun just reaches up and pets the dog gently when it makes no signs of moving.

"I'm sorry, she never listens to me." The male gives him an embarrassed look but Sehun just shakes his head. This is probably the best thing that's happened to him today.

"That's okay," As soon as he says it, Sehun can already tell that both his mind and body don't seem to like that statement. It's not okay, nothing is okay, he is not okay. The feeling building up in him gets harder and harder to ignore but he forces it down as he continues to pet the dog's head. He playfully scratches the dogs soft brown curly fur before moving to scratch under her chin until she suddenly starts whimpering and licking at his fingers when he stops scratching her. Sehun doesn't realize he's crying, silent while tears stream down his face, he only realizes it when he opens his mouth and a high pitched whine leaves his mouth and immediately all three dogs are surrounding him.

"Are you okay?" The male beside him asks and his voice is soft and low and it's clear he's concerned but Sehun doesn't know what to say so he just cries harder. He's not okay but he feels like he shouldn't be if only he could say I Love You to Junmyeon, if only he had been more romantic, more affectionate, more intimate, a better boyfriend, a better everything.

He forces himself to catch his breath, inhaling sharply before looking down at the dogs at his feet with a shaky exhale. They have these sad looks on their faces and he hates that he's made them sad too.

"I'm sorry for scaring you." He ruffles one of the dogs heads before looking at the boy who looks beyond freaked out. "You too, sorry for crying." he wipes the wetness off his face with the heels of his hands.

"You—you don't need to apologize for crying." The boy places a hand on Sehun's shoulder, a warm smile on his face. "I hope you feel better soon." 

Sehun does too.

**Author's Note:**

> the boy at the end is jongin uwu
> 
> This is my first work posted on ao3!! I literally have tons of completed stuff that I'm just tired of having sit around and this one my favorites. Originally this was supposed to have a happy ending but I think I like it more like this.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, please let me know if you enjoyed it(or didn't! lol)


End file.
